Developing in DC

Have you ever been in the exact right place at the exact right time and felt it? There's a lot to stress and worry about right now, (looking for a part-time PAID internship, attempting to register for a French class, student loans, the price of textbooks, making new friends, and oh yeah, the actual core classes all 23 of us are taking, which are going to be soooo good and relevant and perfect to turn us all into little practicioners, but it's not going to happen magically, eep! We've got our work cut out for us), but there's more to be excited and feel confident about. Living at the center of the known universe is pretty heady stuff. I'm going to meet important people, and (Incha'Allah) become a mover and/or shaker myself someday. It's time to stop second guessing myself and wondering if I really belong here. It's time to man up and seize my destiny. I am smart and capable and so jazzed about the work I will be doing, saving the planet one malnourished under-5, one undereducated youth, one bednet, one fortified packet of cooking oil, one health center, one school, one well-trained teacher, one scholarship, one well-managed program, one grant, one inspired girl at a time. Eeee!!

I'm a Hoya.

Sanyo and I at the Lincoln Memorial on the 50th anniversary of MLK jr's speech. Unfortunately, we had to leave to get to class before Obama, Clinton, Carter or any of the Kings spoke. In American vernacular I've recently taught Wei-Di, my Taiwanese roommate: wah wah!

Transitioning

Transitions are always hard, but they're a necessary part of my life right now. I'm a nomad; movement is my way of life. Endings are sad but new beginnings are terrifyingly exciting: there's no other rush like knowing that in a few days you're moving to a new place, with no idea about where you'll be laying your head but a foolish faith that it'll all work out the way it's supposed to, and that in a few months or weeks it'll all be settled and you'll look back and laugh. I try not to worry and stress too much about things I have no control over, but that's easier said than done (don't think about the pink elephant in the room).

A few nights ago I went to my 10 year high school reunion. It went exactly as expected: I saw people I had given nary a thought to for a decade, I didn't see people I'd wished would have been there, I felt good about my life path and choices, and grateful for my blessings: my life and my health. Disappointed there weren't any fist fights or dancing.

Before that I was in Reno for a few days. It was nice to see Lyndsey Bunn, an old friend who is living exactly the fierce life I would have expected. We picked up as if it hadn't been five or so years since we'd last seen each other. My brother, dad and I hung out all together for the first time in ages as well. Family is who you're from, family is what it is. I'm realizing that I can't have expectations, and when I don't, great things can happen. We had a supreme time hanging out, eating a buffet, swimming in Lake Tahoe, and watching the History channel. Who knows when that'll happen again?

I'm glad to be 'home' in Portland for a spell, though it's not really where I live, so can I really call it home? My mom's PO box (what I use as my 'permanent' address for school and forms and stuff) is now in Washington, and I just lived in California for 2 months and in 8 days I'm moving to DC for school. Can't I just be a resident of where my heart is? Then let's just say I'm a resident of the west coast.

This sojourn in Portland is/will be perfect: seeing old friends, the good people in my life who renew my faith in humanity, the world and myself. Touching and hugging people for the last time in awhile. Getting errands done (this morning has been incredibly productive: sorted out bank account stuff, made plans for the rest of the week, applied for an internship), and doing enough for myself and my future to calm my nerves and try to just relax and have fun.

Thank you thank you milles fois merci to all the fabulous people in my life whom I can't begin to adequately show my appreciation.

Family and Life

Living in Santa Cruz for just a few weeks. Getting back into 'the good life' (family, Californian wine, running, yoga-ing, the ocean, Steve, the trials and tribulations of a privileged liberal community), and trying to be awake to what the universe has to teach me in my life in this moment, right now. Being reminded of what was important, what is important, what should be important.

Gun violence makes me so angry. The Keystone pipeline (remember I've been in Africa for 2 years so some stuff that is tired for you is still new to me). WTF? I read a little thing in the May 27, 2013 New Yorker (did I list reading The New Yorker up there in my definition of the good life? Well, please consider it edited in) about the terrible Keystone pipeline and for me it all boils down to one simple question:

how much oil would I personally have to commit not to use in the next year in order for Obama to say 'hell no!' to the pipeline?

It seems like a pretty 'simple' math problem to me (economist and math friends, help a sister out here). How much (of the worst kind of) oil would the pipeline bring us? Divide that by the number of Americans (or number of adult Americans? or number of car-owning Americans?) to figure out what each of our personal liability is. I'm thinking it wouldn't be all that much. Like, we each commit to make one less car trip a week. To ride our bike more.

Let's save the environment and our own hearts, let's bike!!

...I've definitely been hanging out with community college bike co-op-erators a lot lately, but too much? Nah, can you have too much of a good thing?

But seriously, let's kick this addiction to oil, be it foreign, domestic, north American, or whatever. Oll is oll, no matter where it comes from. And let's stop this gun violence. And let's make the world a better place. For everyone. White, black, rich, poor, American, African, otherwise. It seems like a lot, and it is overwhelming, but the day we get numb to it all and stop caring, that's a scary day indeed.

Santa Cruz summer to-do list:

• Bigfoot museum
• ride bikes downtown
• Lean In book club
• medieval feast
• Africa presentations
• see Steve multiple times per week
• find trivia
• Shakespeare Santa Cruz
• LA trip?
• run
• yoga
• read
• read some more

Century Link Hottie

The highlight of my week was when the CenturyLink guy came to install a router at work, or something like that. He was the hottest man I've seen in awhile, and it also got me thinking...where do all the black people in Portland hang out? Haven't seen many at the hipster bars I hit so infrequently these days, but I do see them at PCC and on the bus...there have got to be some underground hip hop bars or something...is that racist? In any case, my current insane schedule doesn't really permit hottie-shopping. I'm hanging on in stats and econ, (took the first midterms, so 1/3 of the way through the term!!), and work is work. I'm trying to find the beauty in the mundane (a repetitive/reliable routine is kind of nice), but the nicest thing about it is that I won't be working in this office forever. Bigger and better things are on the horizon. I'm going to be a student again! And buy a bike and hipster glasses. One thing at a time.

I'm anxious to hear from grad schools but also need to enjoy the beauty of this moment of not knowing. Just waiting means I don't have to make any decisions yet, or worry, or start looking for apartments, or whatever. I'm just treading water, nose to the grindstone, earning some cash and taking some community college classes (which I love, have I mentioned how much community college is rocking my world?). So instead of seeing this time as frustrating and wishing I could fast forward to mid-March, I'm going to enjoy the studying, the running I need to start doing and the yoga. Little by little, pang'ono pang'ono.

Malawi, I miss you. I don't think about you too much because I'd get sad, but that's the truth. I wish Zoona and Manzo were here to drink Specials with me. Mmmm specials!

Oh, and I met Megan at Pine State Biscuits on Alberta this morning for brunch, so I'm managing to do some cool ass shit in small increments here and there. And then I got a free supportland card. I love Portland! I love being an Oregonian!

A quick note

Feeling pretty accomplished right now. 3 apps to grad schools and 1 to a fellowship, in. Job, gotten. All in the first month of the year! And I'm going to celebrate with Sally and Barack this weekend/next week. But then the shit hits the fan and gets real. I'll be swamped from then until April 15th. Sorry friends, I won't have much of a life or time or energy to do anything but slink to and from work, study statistics, do yoga, and watch Battleground, my new favorite show (on Hulu). It's like my life on the campaign, except sexier, everyone has entirely too much time to just sit around and be stupid/snarky/beautiful, and sadder (the whole neglected kids and wife at home arc is really bumming me out). Oh, and did I mention that I'm broke? Ah, my 20s...

Is this real life??

Shit's getting real here people. I'm taking 9 credits at PCC, which I absolutely love. Well, I like my in-person Econ 201 class b/c I love walking around campus feeling like a college student again! I catch myself grinning like an idiot in class all the time. But just missing a bus and waiting 20 minutes for the next one in the cold...hey, at least there are STREET LIGHTS here in Portland! Man, you don't realize how awesome/necessary those are 'til you live 2 years without 'em!

But Stats online is gonna be a bitch.

I also got a full-time job, which starts next week. So after next Tuesday, I will have no life until April 16th (receptionist at a tax office, you see). Which is fine by me, really. I got bills to pay! Money is meant to be spent, and I have been spending it. And on it goes. At least I'll die having lived.

I have not fully transmogrified into my true Portland self. Yet. Quasi-lesbian haircut, check. Public-transporting myself around town, check. Library card, check. Now I just need some hipster glasses and a bike, to find a yoga studio I like and I'll be set.

In the next couple of days apps to grad schools will be 100% submitted. The week after next I'm going to Washington D.C. to attend the inauguration and staff ball, tour the White House and potential grad schools, and best of all, reunite with my girl Sorry Zead!! SOOOOO excited!!! I can't believe it's been a year since I last saw her! Rude. We're gonna make memories that'll last a lifetime! ...not that we didn't in Malawi...

I'm pleased. 2013 seems to be starting out pretty darn well. Let's keep this up.

Ode. To Niger

Leg 1: 26.01.11, 11:28AM. Casablanca MOROCCO to Lisbon SPAIN

We used our last dirham(s) to buy beers (at 10:45AM!) before getting on the plane, the first leg of this insane journey. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. Shit. I was supposed to do this and that in Matameye, live there for 21 more months, start projects, build a life there (and I was already getting surprisingly sucked in and considering extending). Now I've got to throw myself into Malawi, 100%, no holding back, my heart or anything. Where am I going, ultimately, career- and other-wise? Are there answers in Malawi?

"Everything happens for a reason," said Lisa.
"Yeah? Well I better find my fucking husband in Malawi, because this has been bullshit!" said I.

Fuck. Esther and I are going to win this shit!

Leg 3: 26.01.11, late that evening. Frankfurt GERMANY to Addis Ababa ETHIOPIA (waiting onboard for 3 hours at the gate before it took off because of "technical difficulties")

We're doing this! Two bottles of wine in Portugal and two glasses on the flight to Frankfurt mean I'm better than okay right now. Bring it on, Malawi! We ate hotdogs on moving sidewalks, rock rock on! Here's hoping that Malawi means all sorts of good shit. Not that I deserve it any more than the next, but c'mon! Niger I miss you but if I didn't believe that Malawi holds great things for me I'd be a broken-down mess, still needing to be mopped up in Rabat.

Niger, my love letter: your are in my heart for always, no one or nothing could remove you from that special place. So I'm moving on much sooner than either of us thought. Don't worry, I'll be back. I don't know when, but c'est la vie, and life's funny like that--I gotta believe it will work out well or else my heart would break right now. Niger you were amazing and I don't think I can know fully yet what effect you had on me. Here's to what Malawi will mean to me in the future. Moving forward, because we have to. MWAH!

Live 100%, all the way, because you may get evacuated tomorrow, someone may die, plans will change.

Layover the third: now 21.01.11. Addis Ababa Airport ETHIOPIA

I'm in Ethiopia right now, for crying out loud! They just served us drinks and cake, at the gate, which I think is a bad sign (addendum: we boarded our next and final flight just a few minutes later, leading me to conclude only that Ethiopians are extremely nice, but I could have told you that from knowing Biiftu and Sebia). At least we didn't miss this flight, and I'm running on reserves of irrational optimism that our bags will make it to Lilongwe with us, because there is no other option. For now I'm just trying to be: patient, calm, ready for the next step.

29.01.11. Lilongwe MALAWI

So far so good. Even though this whole thing has sucked I'm fairly certain I couldn't have asked for a better place to transfer to. I'm excited about the work possibilities. Also nervous. And the other volunteers have been so nice and welcoming. I teared up a little when I saw the welcome committee at the airport, waving American and Peace Corps flags. (Note: someone won a bet, and someone else lost, when all 4 of Esther and my checked bags showed up in Lilongwe. Yawwa!) I'm not so worried anymore--this is going to be great. Different, yes, and loving Malawi all the more doesn't take away the fact that my heart broke for Niger. Chichewa is hard but so was Hausa.

Mwadzuka bwanji? (Ina kwana?)

Ndadzuka bwino. (Lahiya lau.)

It will come slowly, and that's okay. Esther and I went for a run today. I need to get back into that. We ate Korean food tonight. (!!) Education volunteers here are the ones in the bush posts, but whatever. So I won't have the cushiest post with 2 showers and electricity (and will be lucky to have more than an open fire on which to cook), but that will just make this experience all the more different from Niger. Esther keeps exclaiming about the smell here: flowering plants. Is this paradise? Do people retire here? ...I have a feeling daily reality will be slightly different once out at site though. We'll see.

I'm grateful for everything here: delicious restaurants; nice PCVs; a friendly staff; green plants; an amazing partner-in-crime in Esther; this opportunity to continue my service and learn so much from everyone; my supportive family; my PC Niger friends, as scattered as we all are now; the time I had in Niger and the friends I made there. I learned a lot about my own strength and capabilities, about Niger, human relations, and I think I'm just beginning my journey in the development world.

We're in this thing to win it. This thing called life. (We're also in this thing to make sure Malawi PCVs know how good they have it and how lucky they are. Seriously, this place is awesome!)

30.01.11

We ran today. We 'sightsaw' (walked around the muddy streets and dirty market and Wal-Mart owned superstore of Lilongwe, gaping at the big screen TVs). We watched DVDs, lounged by the pool, and generally marveled at our situation here in 'the warm heart of Africa.'

31.01.11

Fuck January 2011. Seriously. Esther and I toasted it away as we drained two bottles of wine while watching Troy this evening. Good-bye worst month ever, and hello February, new site (whose name I still don't know), new country, new stuff (Wal-Mart?!? Really?!?), new possibilities for...anything, everything. Work, jobs, careers, friends, stories for the grandchildren, satisfaction, etc. etc. etc. Fuck this life, in every sense of the word: fuck it hard, fuck it good, may it be awesome, may it be delicious, may it be damned, may it peace out and not bother us anymore at some point. Where will we be then? Fuck if I know, and fuck if I'll be losing any sleep over that any time soon. Fuck. Here's to losing ourselves in Africa. Incha'allah. Al hamdillilaye.

Cikin (pronounced "chicken") Niger

Since internet access is sporatic and fleeting, I've decided to copy some excerpts from my journal from over the past month or so. This is what I've been thinking, feeling and doing of late.

August 4th

I told Biiftu (my roommate in Hamdallaye) last night I'm having more downs here than I expected, but it's just the way it is. Nutrition is so fragile here, traditions are so different, I'm a fish out of water almost every second of every day.

August 5th

Heather is a godsend for her New Yorkers: they're like a Nalgene of water on a hot Nigerien day-a gulp of culture and civilization and an entirely different reality than what I'm living right now. Oh hell yeah. I'm going to ask Bawa tomorrow for a more 'liberal' post (relatively speaking), if possible, as the only consideration I'm concerned about. We'll see what happens.

August 11th

So much has happened, is happening. I just read an amazing article in the 'journeys' issue of The New Yorker about a National Geographic photographer in Algeria. The desert is a beautiful and poetic place, and I'm feeling so good about being here and going to my post. I'm so relieved! My placement sounds PERFECT for me, and I can't wait to get out there and see it and be in it! I'm sad that Will (my best friend in PST, pre-service training) is so far away, but it's hard to be sad when I'm so excited for my post. I'm riding a great high right now, but I know saying 'good-bye' or 'see you later' or 'a la prochaine' to him is going to be hard when it happens. It's another layer of challenge here. I've got two wonderful beautiful years here in this hot dusty edge-of-the-known, edge-of-the-cared-about wild and wooly place. Two years to continue Kira's projects, start my own, build relationships, see and do, struggle, learn about Islam, travel...

Hamdallaye (the training site) feels familiar, it's a different place to me than it was a few days ago, a few weeks ago. 'This Peace Corps thing' feels different than it did a few days or weeks ago. I'm reassured about my post and can't WAIT to see it, and Cindy. This is really real. Zinder region! It already feels like it's zooming by. A mosque at Ground Zero? What's the big deal? Who cares? Niger is going to change me. It already is. I push back, I resist. I give and accept. Hopefully I'll find a good balance. Between integration and individuality. Between men and women. Between Hausa and French. Between Kira's projects and my own. Between Nigeriens and PCVs and friends at home. Balance of life and work. Social, mental and physical health. Going and coming, being, doing, seeing, learning, sharing, reading, listening. This, Niger, my post, feels so good and right right now. I'm glad I went to France first. A baby step. I'm glad I've done and lived what I have up until now. I feel ready, excited, peaceful, smooth. I hope I feel like Kira does at the end-jealous of the next person...

The moon continues across the sky, waxing and waning, no matter how up or down, hot or cold, content or unsatisfied, anxious or at peace we are in our lives. That's a beautiful thing. Why do we (Americans) live so much of our lives inside? Disconnected from nature and the flow and rhythm of life. That is something I want to 'learn' or 'do' in Niger, if such things are possible.

August 13th (?)

We have an 'exciting' weekend at Bisa Doutchi (what we call the training site in Hamdallaye because it's on a hill and Bisa Doutchi literally means 'on top of the hill') ahead of us, as site visits have been postponed due to some sort of security issue in the Maradi region. I'm glad they're looking out for us, but sad it'll be that much longer until I get to see my village. Everything's attitude: if one were to look on this as a 2 year stretch of 'withouts' (e.g. without family and friends, internet access, comforts of home such as toilet paper, AC, etc. etc.) it could be a pretty long and trying experience. BUT, after reading that beautiful article in The New Yorker, I was reminded of how INCREDIBLE this is and can be. I'm in the desert, in nearly the middle of Africa, braving crazy weather and elements, conservative customs and even a strange language to help a little bit, learn a little bit, be a little bit. How many people get an opportunity like this, to explore the edge of 'civil'-ization, one's own limits in such an extreme environment, and maybe even the big questions of life in a simpler, pastoral, pittoresque setting? I could be even crazier, go even further, venture further off the beaten path...anything is possible. I dare myself to be more daring. I've been safe a lot in my life. Niger's pretty exciting, evidently, so I'll do this before I get to any of the next craziness.

August the next day

While frustrating to be at summer camp with other Americans and 'Friends' and 'Sex and the City' rather than at site (or en route), today has still managed to be excellent. Volleyball tournament, another New Yorker from Heather, food and pause snack all day long (we have a pause at 10:00am and 3:30 or 4:00pm where we get tea and food), and a truly impressive talent show, with some tea and cards inbetween made for a not-so-bad day at Bisa Doutchi. Lindsay and my rendition of 'Elephant Love Medley' earned us 'Most Hilarious' and Janice, Elise, Heather and Mariah were so sincere and sweet in sharing their talents. Tomorrow we've got a game of Capture the Flag planned, as well as running, boot camp a la Mason, and probably more yoga, possibly led by me. We're creatively filling our time and tonight at the dance party, (impromptu right after the talent show, of course) I really felt endeared and connected to this bunch of randos. Tondi thinks the talent show should be a mandatory scheduled activity for future stages, and I felt so impressed with those who shared of themselves so honestly, and like a cohesive group who was making the most of an unexpected standfast weekend at Bisa Doutchi. I thought about me as an individual, who signed up for this experience on my own, and now find myself with a hodgepodge group of people with different skills and talents, interests, hometowns, viewpoints and expectations for our time in Niger, but it works. The one main thing we all have in common is that we were crazy and masochistic enough to sign up for this and get on the plane. And soon it WILL be a largely individualistic endeavor (if we ever get out to our posts, that is!), so I'm working hard to downplay the disparities and glean as many good vibes, fun times, inspiration (Buddhist book and future discussion with Mackenzie!) and ridiculous memories (sitting on Mason while he recited a poem?!?) while this 'family' is stil all together.

August 16th

No site visit! A very hot day and stupid, practically pointless language activities are driving me to the edge. But, 'sai hankuri' ('have patience' in Hausa). This is a setback, the first big one, requiring patience and flexibility-a useful exercise in expecting the unexpected, in things not working out as planned. This is part of it, dirty clothes, lots of luggage, delays, dragging myself to language classes, working through difficult days. Life here is a balance, as I'm learning. I need to work on the cynicism/genuineness scale, as I tend too frequently to the former, as well as the pushing/pulling scale: when should I conform to cultural rules and when do I push back and stand my ground? Ramadan has been schooling me in this delicate dance. I'm so grateful for some of the other stagieres (trainees) with whom I can speak frankly, vent to, lean on, be snarky with and have inside jokes. It will be interesting to see the landscape of our stage by In-Service Training (in January)-if cliques still stand to some degree, if regions have gotten tight, if some friendships are as strong and special as ever...Erin and I are discussing fitness challenges (and other, e.g. cooking) that we can use to motivate us in our first 3 months alone at post. 'Alone'...I can't wait. But I won't really be: I'll have a whole town to get to know. As sexist, racist and xenophobic as the 60's Peace Corps book was, they had a genuine passion for their work and the people of Manta which resulted in a lot of concrete projects getting done during their service. Keeping the right scope and perspective will be a challenge-staying focused and realistic at post.

August 19th

Language Immersion is kicking our asses. Hmm, not true. Getting tossed out into Lisa's town without necessary equipment is throwing us for a loop. For the most part we're being good sports about it, looking on this as a really intense camping trip or just another test-are we really cut out for this? Can we really be here for the next 2 years? It's insane how fast I can go up and down here. Being mobbed by kids fighting over my hand as Lisa and I looked for Sprites in the heat of the day while on the verge of dehydration and didn't find them (Ramadannnn!!!!!) was definitely a low point. Going out later to buy rice, pasta, couscous and sugar and having exact change was so AWESOME! It sounds dumb but I was practically giddy. And then we made breakfast burritos for dinner. One tortilla vaguely looked like Africa and the 'insides' (onions, tomatos, hot peppers, tomato paste, eggs, 'cheese', various spices) looked like vomit but tasted so good! We all worked together and I felt so accomplished. Africa, throw your worst at me: bugs as big as my fist, no latrine for another day or so, going on my 3rd day without a shower, nosy kids, ridiculous heat, mosquito bites, no water filter, monsoon rains, puddles and mud and cars getting (almost) stuck, 12-hour cramped-as-hell busrides with hardly any stops and a woman sitting in the aisle next to me, across 'roads' which sometimes didn't merit that designation...BRING IT ON! We've decided on Madonna for our song competition entry and things are looking up. I wonder how everyone else is doing...all I know is that my Nigerien mantra stands: "If I can do this, I can do ANYTHING!" Stephanie pointed out today that it's been EXACTLY 6 weeks since we arrived in Niger and it's exactly 5 weeks until Swear In. Time is truly flying, so I must be having fun. But seriously, 6 weeks?!?!? The days are long but the weeks are blinks.

August 20th

We ate like kings today. Onions and garlic and tomatos and tomato paste and pasta for lunch; curry potatoes and squash and onion and coconut milk and couscous for dinner; coconut milk crepes and nutella and bananas for dessert! Lisa's lucky to have a cookbook handy, and I feel so competent and capable in the kitchen, though we did burn some of the couscous. I think I'll pull a Julie and Julia and get my grubby hands on a PCV Niger cookbook and work my way through all the recipes over the course of the next 2 years. WAY more hard core than Julie was! The heat is hard here: it's hard to concentrate in our Hausa classes but I need to. We just drank tea by the mosque with one of the Chef du Canton's 60 children...he's had maybe 8 wives in his life because when they die or get too old he gets another one, never having more than 4 at a time though, according to Islamic law. Amazing. I'm finding myself having a strange middle attitude when it comes to discussing the differences between Niger and America. FIrst of all it's difficult because America is never one thing: sure MOST families only have 2-3 kids, but there are always exceptions (the Duggars, for instance). Secondly, out of a tendency to avoid offending our hosts, and a tendency towards multicultural attitudes, I find myself agreeing with (at least outwardly) the 'Nigerien' way of life (e.g. multiple wives), and I'm shocked and appalled by Lisa's frankness (ha, Lisa Frank!) in regards to these things ("babu kyau" or "not cool!"). But I end up being shocked at my own complacency. Am I just a yes person? To what extent will I just go with the flow in order not to make waves? I guess that'll be teased out over the next 2 years...then I got all embarassed and demur when the mayor asked me whiy I didn't fast today...for some reason I didn't want to say the simplest answer, that I'm not Muslim. Probably because I didn't want to open a potentially hazardous conversation topic as a guest in Lisa's town and with so little Hausa under my belt. Hopefully I will become skilled in small talk and diffusing such situations. Cikin Hausa. Insha'Allah! I'm the dirtiest I've ever been in my life. Life is enhanced here. Emotions are magnified and I'm reminded every day in small ways that I'm alive, that I'm a human being on this planet. Sitting at tea, attempting to converse with Sani, Ilia, Konate, Lisa, Stephanie and Kimie I thought: I can do this. I can learn this language and have these conversations and forge these friendships and live this strange new communal life for the next 2 years. It's completely different than what I know-people don't retreat into their own homes, disparaging of human contact outside of work for an evening of mindnumbing television here. They sit together and talk together, about anything or nothing. They work hard as hell to accomplish basic daily tasks (like feeding, cleaning, caring for, washing, etc.) but look out for each other and get up in each others' business all the time. Every day is going to present new challenges but I'm still stoked on it all. I'm so privileged to have the time and knowhow and desire to write, this or anything, and I want to make sure I do. I wonder if there are any stories or writers in the Hausa language? I'm so fascinated by people I've met (the 93-year old Chef du Canton with 60 kids and 8 wives) or heard about (Konate's grandma lived to be 100) and I wonder if and how these stories are being told and/or shared. I wonder if there's some sort of project in this...

August 21st

The food we've been eating is so wonderful, and it's so wonderful to be preparing it for ourselves that I feel I need to chronicle all of our meals. This morning: oatmeal with peanuts, dried apricots, honey, cinnamon and dried cranberries. Lunch was just leftover snacks because it was too hot to move let alone cook. Dinner was prepared for us by Sani's wife and brought to our house: cornmeal and meat sauce. Little by little, this language will come. Discussions on development yield interesting results: is the work we'll do here futile? Peace Corps' been here for almost 50 years: has it done any good? Is 'sustainable' possible? What do I want to get out of this experience, and how can I make that happen? The weather is awe-inspiring, how insanely hot it can be in the afternoon and how gorgeous lightning in a cloud can be, and is. Captivating. I'm plugging into something real here, or I'm going to. Community, 'the simple life', humans' natural state, or closer to it than life in the United States. Is the crazy technologically advanced way of life in the US unnatural? Are humans living out our destiny, improving and evolving to a higher state, a better intimation of ourselves? Or are we foresaking some essential primal part of our being, becoming too comfortable and consequently losing out in some way? I can't think of a better way to meditate on this topic than to live in a hu in Africa for 2 years! And as hard as I push back against Islam (fasting? 4 wives?!?!?) I can't believe the mosque debate that's apparently raging at home. I would completely 100% be on the Islam side of that debate. Hello! I wonder how Nigeriens would react to the fact that this is an issue in the US.

August 22nd

This morning we went to a naming ceremony. I held the 1-week old doll-like baby and a woman offered me her baby (5 year old son, maybe it wasn't even hers) to take to America with me. I think. I barely understand any Hausa but it's getting better, little by little. It's hard to be motivated (the heat! the French!) here. But I feel great about being here. I was having good conversations with guys tonight while we drank tea. I'm reading a crazy book right now. That's all.

August 24th

Food! We had lentil 'burgers' with sweet potato fries tonight. Next time we need to let the lentils cook a little longer. Spaghetti and tomato sauce for lunch and falafel (!) last night in the most delicious (big and thick) tortillas I've made to date. Yesterday for lunch we had soup and bread (hot soup on a hot day = not my fave). The day before that we had the best egg sandwiches: egg, onion, Laughing Cow...mmm! Food is and will be a passion of mine here. Ironic because my choices are so limited here, and I just left the land o' plenty. If I can cook delicious meals here, I can cook anywhere!

August 25th

Weird things: arguably some of the poorest and hungriest people in the world fasting for a month to remember people who are poorer and hungrier than them, and to be grateful. WTF? Souley introducing Lisa and I to his 2 wives and multiple children. He grabbed what looked like a 9 year old girl by the shoulder and asked one of his wives: "Which one is this?" They've got a different relationship to death here. If you could have 2 wives, would you?

Today was hard. Tromping around the whole town in the heat of the day, getting dehydrated, I was in a bitter mood. I can get so ugly when I'm angry. It will pass, but today was hard, and helpful-but-in-the-way Nigeriens didn't help my mood. We made an AMAZING pizza for dinner though. I'm so impressed by myself in the kitchen, and I'm only going to get better. A life goal while I'm here. Get in shape, learn to cook, read a lot, fiction and non-fiction and periodicals-all these goals are so incongrous with my surroundings. It's hard to reconcile realities-that of Niger and that of the US, my reality and that of my neighbors' here in Niger-visiting the Chef du Canton's house (compound) today, it was so vivid how poor these people are, since his is probably the nicest house in the village and surrounding areas. He's local government yet his house is falling apart. And multiple wives-I really need to meditate on that. How do I respect my hosts and friends here while respecting/explaining my own point of view? What is my point of view, and why? Things get so topsy turvy turned around here. Two wives is bad. Because...do I have an answer for that? This is weird. It's a trip.

August 28th

Should I be more worried for the moment we're sent off to our posts? What will my daily activities be? Who will be my friends? Will I continue to think so much about what comes next (after Peace Corps)? I really need to just focus on being here, now. Learn and speak this crazy little language, in this dusty little country. I wonder what I will think about Niger and Nigeriens in...6 months. I'm walking the line between giving a shit and not being too hopeful about anything. We'll see how that changes as I get to know a town and the people who live in it. My post.

Sexy is dead here. I would LOVE to see an editorial fashion photo shoot done in Niger: slinky 'sexy' models dripping in haute couture surrounded by filth, poverty, children, cows, trash, mud,hard core Nigerien women pounding millet...like WTF? Such extremes, that some people have the money to go to the Louis Vuitton store on the Champs Elysee and drop a couple hundred euro for an unnecessary necessity like a wallet or a belt or a weekend bag, and some people want to have 20 kids because they plan on 10 dying. Fair? No. Fabulous? Fuck yes, grotesquely so.

September 1st

Yesterday everything became right again. Just sitting next to Will on the bus made me feel good. (Also he told me that the Irish Red Cross is in Zinder ville! I don't know how he found that out but I'm not questioning it)! So there's that. Then we watched a bunch of Glee and saw giraffes, the first ones I've seen here yet!!! They were so majestic and unexpected and unassuming and wild and so perfectly situated towards the end of a long day and a long journey (the whole of Language Immersion, really) that they portended nothing but good omens of good things to come. I'm still so blown away that last night we learned that Biiftu's post is our host family in Hamdallaye's hometown! Will and I will make it work, despite the distance.

September 3rd

We won the oreo cream pie that Jenelle made! I'll never be able to listen to Madonna's 'Holiday' in the same way again. For the next 2 years I'll never hear the end of 'Shakatawa! Babu layhee!' (roughly translates to 'Party! No problem!')

This is (sort of) a solo adventure. Meaning that I'm ready to get to my post and start figuring it out, no drama, no living on top of each other, no more LPIs (language proficiency tests) or mostly-stupid activities or sitting around watching movies because we don't know what else to do with ourselves. This was part of their plan: get us so sick of each other and being treated like we're 5 that we practically BOLT to our posts. Talking with Laouali (my supervisor) today I feel so excited and ready! I have project ideas and I'm ready to get out into the town and talk with people and have MY OWN TOWN! Does that sound selfish or lonesome or ridiculous? I think I'm exactly where they want me to be.

That's it for now. We Swear In (and become official volunteers) in less than 3 weeks!

Thank you!

I'm off! 4.5 hours from now I'm going to wake up to phly to Philly and start this crazy Peace Corps adventure. I'm so grateful for the ones who helped fill my iPod with music (Hannah, Mara, Andrew, Charlie, Steve, Megan and Chelsea!), the ones who celebrated with me this next great step, the ones who support me through it all and have kept me present, living in the moment, in Oregon, up until the very last second! But most especially, I'm so grateful to my mom! I'd be lost and a million times less prepared without her. I owe her money when I get back and an island when I strike it rich (someday). I'm excited right now, and I'm excited that I'm still excited. Sure I'm a little nervous about bucket baths for the next 2.25 years, but for the most part I can't wait. It's been a long time coming, (at least it's felt like that), and I'm just glad the day is finally here! I'm sure I forgot to pack some essentials, but that's what I have you people for! Care packages!!

If you're reading this right now, thank you!! I'll post updates as often as I can, and keep in touch: even if I can't see you or hear from you every day, I'm still thinking about and loving on you!

Goodbye Portland, it's been real. MWAH!

Best. Weekend. EVER! (Until the next, that is)!

Thursday would have been a perfect day except for the weather. Meh, it's Oregon in the springtime. Which, I've decided, is the perfect metaphor for life: it may be sunny for now, but 5 minutes later it will be pouring and you'll be soaked. Oregonians know this, so we're always prepared (or should be) and we don't hesitate to soak up every second of sunshine, because who knows how long it'll stay? I digress. I started at Tasty & Sons for brunch with Mara and Lauren. I can speak to the tasty (mmmmmboy! the pork cutlets melted in my mouth!), but where were the sons? Then on to a hair appointment with Chris which was like an interview for him at a new salon in the Pearl. He ROCKED it: I love my hair and he got the job! Awesomeness continued when I met up with Megan to hang out and we proceeded to cook, I mean uncook a raw food meal. WOW! A bunch of veggies and spices and herbs and sauces and lettuce, and it was actually pretty darn yummy. Following that, Chris and I headed over to the party of the century: Guidos (& guidettes) vs. Hipsters! Instant Jersey Shore recipe: hot new haircut + short shorts + gobs of bronzer + drawn-on Italia tattoo = one hot Snooki, if I do say so myself! ;)

Friday started out with Helser's on Alberta for breakfast with Mara and John (Mara's a huge breakfast/brunch fanatic). All I can remember is: crumpets!! But they were delicious! That night my mom, stepdad and I headed over to our favorite island happy hour spot, Shenanigan's (inside the Red Lion). If you're feeling sassy and classy...this isn't the place for you. If your mom is buying, it's barely acceptable. Ok ok, maybe if BOTH bridges collapse and you somehow find yourself stuck on Hayden Island (Jantzen Beach)...no, I'd still say: swim! I guess I felt I couldn't end the night there, so I forced my mom to drive us over to Backstage, (off of Hawthorne, behind the Bagdad), a gorgeous McMenamin's I've been hearing about for awhile but which was finally introduced to me by Hannah last week. Pool + guest appearance by Doug + most gorgeous mural in a bar EVER = WIN!

Saturday meant shopping! Hooray capitalism! My mom and I went to Bridgeport Village and the Woodburn Outlet Mall because we are classy like that! I got some shoes, some shirts, a raincoat, a headlamp, a radio, a waterbottle...did I mention I'm going to Africa in 43 days?!?! AH! I really need to read up more on Niger, as my current talking points (it's 80% desert! they're poor!) just aren't cutting it. As I was watching Sex and the City the movie with a big ol' glass of (boxed) wine that evening, I was summoned to Blow Pony, the big gay party at Rotture that I've never gotten around to getting to. So I got myself all dolled up in my drag queen/Katy Perry get-up and I'm so glad I went! Sophia, Sam, Eryn, Chris, Charlie, drag queens, dance music: hells yeah!

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Welcome to the world, new little cousin Isabella Selah McFarland!

16 days until Miles gets here!

Lately

The weather's been nice lately, which just makes me wary of what's to come. In like a lamb...

I live on the wrong side of town. I've known this, obviously, for some time (Jantzen Beach is the most disgusting mix of industrial, trashy 'mall,' Vancoovies, and million dollar yachts imaginable...little wonder we hit the bottle so frequently down here). And a beautifully fabulously lazy day in SE yesterday complete with Swedish food, Hamm's, a sunset on a rooftop, and a healthy smattering of hipsters just made it all that much more obvious. (Note: for good Swedish fare and a really cute waitstaff ;), DEFINITELY check out Broder. 3 thumbs up!).

The fair weather has also made increasingly obvious the lack of a bike in my life.

Nerding out - my latest acquisition from putting stuff on hold at the public library, (recommended by Megan), is Career Diplomacy, a book all about my future working in the Foreign Service. [Speaking of my future...yeah, nothing to report. Peace Corps wasn't kidding when they casually dropped the word 'waiting' into their literature a time or two.]

Thoughts and preoccupations of late:

• the earthquake in Chile. as far as I know, everyone I know is okay, despite the epicenter being super close to Chillan. Their homes, (and subsequent safety) aren't so stable. what can I do? not much from here. But I know of a family or two who could use some help, anyone interested.
  
• what will Meryl Streep have to do to win another Oscar? Like, seriously, who will she have to channel? Jesus? Mary? Joseph? All 3 at the same time?
  
• I used to think about being a stateswoman on Capitol Hill someday. But do I really want to run in that crowd? I mean, reading A People's History of the US is making me sick, and it's all the Capitalists' fault!
• I'm so glad I'm not 16 and pregnant. But I'm also so glad MTV made a show about it to remind me how glad I am that I'm not!
• Evan Lysacek on Dancing with the Stars. OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!
  

Also sampled this weekend:

The Sultan Cafe - hard to find place but made up for it with yummy hookah, which simultaneously makes me feel cool as shit and miss the shit out of my brother. That shit's good shit!

Pope House - yummy bourbons. sweet bathroom. because of the Kentucky Derby, of course.

The Bitter End - I remember a jukebox, some Gogol Bordello and Johnny Cash. "This reminds me of every bar in Wisconsin." quoth the Wisconsinites.

So at least I'm continuing in my goal to get Portland did. I rode the #4 down Mississippi and that's where I want to try next, wallet- and weather-permitting. Did I really start this post out talking about the weather? How depressing...

Is this real life?

My life is too boring to blog about. Yes I've been to the Teardrop (stiff drinks!), and gotten my life in order (consolidating my debt from 3 credit cards with high interest rates to 1 loan with a lower interest rate)...wait, I think that last point just made my point that my life is absolutely not noteworthy of late. I go to work, I come home. I sleep, I repeat. Even the book I'm reading is dry (granted, it's about US Foreign Policy...I can't say I didn't know what I was getting myself into).

Getting a library card was the high point of my week. Well, so was watching Glee with Hannah and talking about it with coworker Andrew. And I'm beginning to think I need an upgrade...my 'phone that's just a phone' is just not cutting it...I want to know when the next Max is coming, or orient myself in a way only google maps can do for me, or listen to music whenever and wherever I am. What's going on with me? There's more to life than the latest techy gadgets...isn't there? TV is taking its toll...

The passionate bones in my body are thinking more long term and not so on fire currently. Day-to-day survival (a weekly martini ritual soo counts as 'survival') is my focus. Gleaning knowledge from cool coworkers also keeps me sane. I just got a list of non-fiction books to read, and veganism, the Big Mac Index, Portland hot spots, and Lady Gaga's real name are topics that have all been broached recently. Also in the works: signing up for an online Econ course through PCC...seriously, can I see myself right now?? If my aim is mediocrity I'm definitely on track. 'Mediocrity,' 'settling into a routine and a semi-permanent location' ...necessarily one and the same? I guess having a job that's decent enough to pay the bills and allow you to sleep at night while not being overly stimulating is the reason people get hobbies. Make meaning in your life outside of work. So far mine's drinking. On my list of things to do: take yoga classes or join a gym. We'll see if that dream becomes reality or remains a fantasy...odds are 50/50 at this point.

La Nouvelle Generation Perdue

"...all generations were lost by something and always had been and always would be..." -Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast

You can say that again! Hey, looks like someone already did (looks like Dan Schmitz is running with an awesome crowd: he can identify with the likes of Princeton the puppet and me!). I can name at least 6 friends who are A. college graduates, B. back living with 'the folks' (or 'grand-folks'), and C. currently looking for a job or are presently underemployed. We can spend our time getting angry at the economy for screwing us over (hello! we have degrees! shouldn't we be squeaking by the uneducated folk? or are our degrees our enemies right now: potential employers know we'll bolt as soon as things pick up and we can move on up?), or maybe we need to just grin and bear it and do the best we can. Perhaps that won't be in the US: this economy is driving a lot of people to look for gigs overseas. This in itself is a good thing; hey, is the crappy economy actually encouraging globalization? (Some economist somewhere should look into that...) I'm definitely a part of that exodus: I'm doing a phone interview for the Peace Corps next week!

Maybe I sound a little too sunny, but I've always been an optimist. And fortunately (read: miraculously), just when things were beginning to look really bleak, I got a job (and my first day of training was on Veteran's Day, no less...tying back into that lost generation thing...everything's connected...). Let me repeat that incredible news: I got a joerghb!! After only about a month of looking, and it's a great job too: I'm not flipping burgers, folding shirts, or dressed like an elf and to top it all off, it's actually a resume-builder--something that ties into my future career goals! Many have said that I'm lucky. I'm becoming more and more aware of that.

Meanwhile, I'm eating my way through the world, in a very Portland way: food carts!! I read about them last year in the New York Times article (here, if you insist, but I'm sure anyone who's anyone has already seen it, and I already linked to it on facebook), but had never eaten at them, until now! Yesterday it was a chicken schnitzelwich at a Czech cart, and today it was an old favorite: a lamb gyros at a Greek cart. I'm also 'eating' A Moveable Feast right now, and even though I'm slightly less than halfway done, it has already skyrocketed to '2nd-favorite-book-of-all-time' status. The title is perfect: it's chewy. Each chapter is a delicious morsel; a combination of romantic Parisian reminiscences and frank 'here's how I did it' advice on being a writer. Anyone who's been to Paris, is planning a trip there, or just loves the city of love needs to read this book! (I've especially been remembering lazy sunny days spent lounging next to the Rhone last year in good company with delicious wine and insanely incredible food...Steve, Zandra, Lauren, Zandra, Ruth, Becky, Cotes du Rhone, big fat cherries, goat cheese: you know who you are!)

Hemingway's famous admonition to "write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know" is contained therein, among others. That, in concert with the professions of Project Runway contestants, encourages me. Writing isn't my profession, but it's my passion, and I know I'll always be doing this, even after long days at work (couldn't resist mentioning my fabulous job! yet again!), in the middle of the night, and with no loftier goals than personal satisfaction.

I read on the bus and Max to work and home again. Talk about a typical Portland experience! Riding Trimet you see a true cross-section of society: poor people, environmentally-conscious people, (not mutually exclusive categories, btw), knitting people, reading people, people grooving to their iPods, smelly people, drunk people, commuters, high school kids, thugs, hipsters, bicyclists, their bikes, families. Working downtown, commuting on public transportation: I love feeling like a Portlander in a realer way than I ever have before!

Apples!

I'm getting Oregon shit done! On Thursday cuzzie Alisha and I drove up to Hood River. We picked out lots of interesting types of apples (the 'hidden rose' is red inside!) with which to make apple sauce! Then we tasted some wine at Wy'East Vineyards...delicious, locally owned and operated, and I got to pretend like I know a thing or two about wine (and I learned a thing or two too...so that makes, a thing or four?). I love the NW! The next morning we made some awesome applesauce...only 10 quarts (my mom and aunt said their record from when they were kids is 120-odd quarts in one day), but we didn't have any cheap child labor handy.

Last night I went out downtown for Halloween with Alison and Hannah. We hit up some old favorite haunts (Portland City Grill, where I felt uncomfortable...a classy joint like that wasn't quite the place for this skanky pirate wench, and Kell's, a great but expensive place, where I got my Irish on to Amadan), and discovered a new place: Kelly's, right next to the giant purple octopus. Cheapish (in all senses of the word, so I felt right at home), with lots of 'interesting' characters. I liked the IT geek, which, as it turned out, wasn't a costume but his actual clothes! Oops! My bad!

In other news:

~I still haven't found a job. Not for lack of trying. But I've got a lead I'm going to check out tomorrow... Also, I've decided not to place my perceptions of self-worth on whether or not I have a job. I'm awesome, employed or otherwise!
~This is my 42nd blog post this year. In 2008 I only wrote 21 posts. So I've doubled my output. It seems vaguely important. Maybe next year I'll double it again. 84 posts! Here's hoping 84 interesting things happen to me in 2010. ...
~My birthday's coming up this week. I think I'm officially old...I don't care about birthdays anymore! Maybe it's just because it snuck up on me this year, and I don't feel like I deserve a good birthday. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous. Meh. C'est la vie.

Back

Being back has been...interesting. Is there anything more deflating than being on the job market? I'm having trouble with the whole "I'm-looking-for-a-job-which-means-I-don't-currently-have-one-which-(in America at least)-means-I'm-a-sub-par-human-being" thing. I read the current copy of the Willamette Week in the MAX today and it told me that Oregon's unemployment (11.5%ish) is one of the highest around. But I still feel inadequate.

Also I'm living with my mom. The best part about that is drinking wine periodically, baking cookies, and watching Survivor together again (amazing how easily I can fall back into that, but it's a passion. Producers...you missed out!). The very best part is sleeping with Kucha. She's the cutest dog in the world, and I swear that being away from her for a whole year has exponentially increased my love for her. I've always been cautiously in love with her, but now it's all out-I hug her and kiss her (even though she licks my toes and various sundries off the ground), and don't even mind the dog smell anymore (much). The worst part is...I'm living 'at home' (even though I've never 'lived' here before, in this house, just visited), with all the nagging ('get a job!') and feelings of inadequacies that entails.

So even though I'm a complete pathetic loser, worthy of the 'pathetic loser' pants I almost didn't change out of at all yesterday, I'm still finding reasons to be optimistic, namely, the divine friends I've been reconnecting with, all across Portland. "I'm in Portland! Wow! I can't believe I'm in Portland!" I hear myself keep saying. A play at the Newmark Theater with Hannah (ok, ok, so The Laramie Project 10 years later isn't the happiest of pieces, but it was mindblowing, and amazing to be a part of something so big and cool and right), Rogue Brewery with Megan and Layna, and the Hawthorne district with Alisha, where I had very reactionary reactions against all the hipsters afoot. ENOUGH already with the vintage, the tight pants, the funky hair, the admittedly bitchin' tattoos, the macchiatos and the local pride! After thinking about why these harmless trendies were pissing me off so much, (-'really Annette, what's so wrong with local pride, when your local is Portland, OR??' -'true fact, inner reasonable self') I think it had something to do with all the Hindu- and Buddhism-inspired objets d'arts I kept seeing in the kooky little trinket stores, after just having been in the real deal in Cambodia. Over there, Buddhism is more than just a chintzy statue to stash on your sideboard, it's life, in a way I can't even speak to because I only really got a taste of it.

Enough already with the reverse culture shock! And can somebody tell me why Law & Order SVU is one of my current favorite pastimes, even with the preposterous plots of late?

Sweet Home Alabama

So what did we do the first full day we were in Alabama? We proper hicked it up, heading out to a huge swath of land dedicated to ATVing. Acres of mud and trails through the woods, just for ATVs and dirtbikes. Miles was in Heaven, trying out his new purchase. I was sad because we didn't bring enough beer (9 beers for 5 people = bad math). The Boggdaddy (the place is called Boggs and Boulders) gave Phil, Cherie and I a personal tour on his mammoth ATV, because he felt bad that we were just sitting around waiting for our turn. He pointed out the new RV hook-ups, the swimming hole with rope swing (of course we hadn't thought to ask about this, so hadn't brought our swimsuits), the muddy hill a few dump trucks were keeping muddy. A veritable redneck's paradise. Well, Miles took me out on the big bear and I have to say it was a lot of fun. I don't think I'll ever buy one for myself, but I don't think he's completely crazy anymore. We saw 4 deer run by, and almost got stuck in the mud once. With a higher beer to person ratio, a tent for camping out in the back of the property, and a weekend of good weather, Boggs and Boulders wouldn't be half bad. I think Miles is camping there this weekend.

The next day, we woke up ridiculously early and raced Phil and Cherie to the Atlanta airport (code: ATL...I couldn't stop humming/singing Fergie). They missed their flight but caught another one that left 10 minutes later. Then Miles and I went to Marietta to visit Patrick Stromer, future chiropractor extraordinaire! We ate Chick-fil-A (I flipped out to try the sweet tea, and all the people working there thought I was crazy. They also thought it was crazy that I come from a land devoid of sweet tea, because, what would life be without it?), bought 6 6-packs (one for each hand) of microbrew beer from all over the country (GA, OR, CO), and then headed to the Braves game. The $1 tickets were sold out, and we were not about to pay $8 to get into a half-over game, (and the military discount tickets were $9...go figure), so we went to the bar across the street, where we could watch it on TV if we cared. We drank beer (and a Bloody Mary for me) and then ended up playing spades with some of the people who worked the game (concessions? ticket taking?). So fun! Then we hooked up with Miles' friend Treiz and his girlfriend Kristin and went to some bar and played pool. Then we ate at Steak and Shake. Yum.

Before driving home to Alabama the next day, Patrick told us we could check out the Coca-Cola museum or the Aquarium. Ho hum. OR, the CNN Center! Miles and I got to tour where the news is made, er, reported! It was pretty exciting.

The next couple of days are kind of a blur...we drank a lot of beer, (and a little wine, and a few mixed drinks), ate all sorts of wings, burgers and things, saw a mediocre movie, went to the aviation museum (we started at an aviation museum in Oregon and ended at one at Ft. Rucker, AL), and then the last day Miles took me shooting! (When in the South, right?) He's bought a lot of guns on his last few leaves (including a shotgun that was an impulse buy...that just seems wrong), so I got to test them out. I'd never shot a pistol before, and it was intense, especially since we weren't shooting bullseye targets, but vaguely human-shaped ones. I got a few head and chest shots at 25'. Hooray! (?) It was fun. Then he drove me to Montgomery, where we went out for an amazing steak dinner before he dropped me off at my hotel and drove home. I flew out the next day.

Now I'm back in Portland, half-heartedly looking for a job (I need money but who wants to work?), trying not to be too depressed about living back at home. Life is a journey, even if you're just at home. Miles loaned me a few books I probably never would have read otherwise (Greek war epics and alternative histories), and I'm resolved to re-discover Portland (there are tons of bars and restaurants I've heard about but never been to), all while deciding where I'm going next. I'm outta here by September 22, 2010. Here we go!

Bonheur

Have steady (and free!) internet access, will blog! Following, my thoughts on the good life-

"...il n'y a de bonheur que dans le ciel" -Madame Grandet, in Balzac's Eugénie Grandet
There is no happiness except in Heaven.

"la vie c'est du bonheur" -a bracelet I paid too much for and lost a few days later
Life is happiness/pleasure/good.

Glass half-empty or half-full? Is your glass Christian or not? Madame Grandet is a very religious character, who's had a rough family life, and my bracelet was awesome. When life is getting you down, circumstances suck and things aren't going your way, it's Christian (and easy) to say 'life sucks, whatever, things will be wicked cool in Heaven. I gotta get thru this!' But I say, make and be your own happiness. Embrace what comes along, learn from everything, good and bad, and create your own destiny. Don't blame other things or people for what happens, and don't take it lying down. Happiness is here, happiness is now, it's yours if you want it.

"Beaucoup du bonheur"

Lots of happiness -a traditional blessing you'd give to a newly married couple, especially if they're American and can appreciate the double entendre of 'bonheur,' as it sounds like something else you'd like to have a lot of in a marriage! ;)

The following passage has been lifted from my journal, originally written July 31st:

I know I will look back on this year as an incredible time, and also significant. I have some FABULOUS memories (Tunisia, Salou/Barcelona, Avignon, Geneva, meeting Robyn, teaching, meeting Kathleen Riley, Christmas in Hampshire, Ruth and her mom, Simon, Steve, Sarah, Zandra, trains, Alicia in Lyon, the Tour de France, hanging by the Sorgue, when my mom came to visit, hitchhiking, the Avignon theater festival, Whitney in Pertuis, Marseille, Paris with Daniel, &c.), and have read some good books, learned a few lessons (I hope! Though I still stupidly gave my phone number to a Chezch I never planned on seeing again in Geneva), made a few decisions, changed them, ammended them, changed them back, realized a few things (like I like France, I LOVE Europe, I won't know if the Foreign Service is the right thing for me until I do it but for right now it feels like a right and good and exciting direction), can cook a *little better, can travel a lot better, have weathered a few things, and am addicted to travel, wine, cheese, patatas bravas, Tabasco sauce, bastogne cookies, plain croissants (as opposed to pain au chocolats, which are nice, but not the same), trains, coffee, writing. I'm working on being more spontaneous and open to what the universe has to offer. I'm learning how to be an au-pair/nanny right now. At first I felt Seignosse (first nanny gig of the summer) was a failure. Now I see it was how it had to be.

***

Today I took a sailing class for 3 hours! I was sailing around on La Manche, learning hardly anything but I didn't mind because I had fun and perfect weather! Enough wind and lots of sun! Now that's what I call bonheur!

And I thought 20 months was young! Try 6 weeks! I'm currently babysitting a 6 week old, who I met 2 weeks ago, so I guess I've 'known' her for 1/3 of her life. Sort of. Anyways, WTF? Honestly, how do people do this parenting thing? And more importantly, why? Trying to get them both taken care of tonight was a handful...good thing the grandparents are next door to lend a hand! I have an even huger respect for anyone who dares have kids...especially when they're close together, or multiples.

Dear Cos,

As I find myself just across the Channel, ("That's not the ocean, that's 'la Manche'," was the response upon my gushing over the Atlantic when at the beach the other day) from many of the cities Jane Austen writes about, voila a letter to my cousin, Ms. Erin Heinz, in the spirit of that greatest of novelistes:

the 4th of August, year of our Lord 2009

Dear Cos,

I write to inform you that I've been getting on exceptionally well here in Normandy. I was able to procure a post as au pair to a most agreeable child of 20 months (Matyas) for the month of August. I arrived on the 29th of July to find a family and environs most suitable to my tastes. Eleonore, his mother, is employed at the sailing club here in Villers sur mer, (she has promised to take me sailing one day!), which is situated only about a dozen or so kilometers from Deauville. We live in a small lodge on the farm of Eleonore's parents, Jacques and Danielle. The great house is absolutely divine, the grounds and rooms exhibiting exceedingly good taste. I am fortunate to visit there nearly every day, as Matyas and I call there to see his grandparents.

I am told that in his day, Jacques was one of the premier horse trainers in the whole of France, and indeed, there are many horses on the grounds. It is all excitement here, as various gentlemen are always coming and going, either bringing new horses or taking charge of one or another. Just the other day I watched a horse arrive whom Jacques informed me had injured his ankle in a race that day. You can imagine how animated Matyas can become, with the animals about! He is particularly attached to the foals, (of which there are four!), and the cows, or "meus" who live just down the lane. I am often taking him on walks to see if we cannot spy the calf (or "bébé meu") amongst them.

The environs are perfectly pastoral...today I took my exercise in the neighborhood and saw horses, cows, dogs, butterflies, flowers, cottages, fields, gardens, corn, &c. Indeed, my only little pleasures (outside of the wonders that come of being in the company of one so young and new to life) I find in the fauna and flora of the neighborhood. The pastures, orchards, wooded bits, and farmhouses are so charming and lovely, I am ever calm and content, and never cease to wonder at my good fortune in finding myself in my present situation. Please do not take this to mean that my life here is all leisure and ease--nothing could be further from the truth!

My duties with Matyas are trying, but as I apply myself to them with vigor, are rewarding in the end. He is becoming more accustomed to me every day, and I am growing more proficient at performing the necessary daily tasks of having a baby in one's charge, (changing diapers, bathing, feeding, playing, &c.). Indeed, as I am learning how to care for a small child, I find myself in awe of those among my acquaintance whom I know to have begun their own broods. I find it is the most exhausting work I have ever undertaken! While I am firmly decided upon not marrying or having a child of mine own at present, still I think I might not be entirely adverse to the idea, after another decade or two has passed.

Indeed, I find myself so occupied with Matyas that I hardly find time to read or maintain communications! His naps each afternoon fly by much too quickly, and I find I have half as much time for reflexion as I would like. As this is a temporary post, however, and I am busy and well-fed, I find I have no reasonable grounds for complaint.

I expect our mutual relations, Mrs. Robin McFarland and her son Mr. Barbier, soon. Projects are not entirely in place, but they are expected in the neighborhood in mid-August. I am eager to see familiar faces from the old (new) country, and especially my dear aunt, who has always been a treasured confidante to me. I confess that except for little Matyas, who is all energy and keeps me entertained and exhausted all the day, this interim would be passing ever so solemnly and slowly, in such anxious anticipation I am, to see these dearest of connexions!

I do hope everyone in your branch of the family is well, and that you are most excellently satisfied with the diversions you have engaged in for the summer season. I have heard reports that your work has been most daring and quite dangerous...please do take care, for all of our sakes! I don't know what I would do with myself if I lost such a witty and companionable fine friend such as yourself! Please write when you have anything of report to report, and know that I will never be satisfied until the day I can see and touch you for myself, and we can pass a great many half hours engaged in the most amiable and entertaining conversation imaginable.

Until then,

Ever Affectionately,

Your dear cos,

Annette

Dispatch: from Normandy

I've arrived in the family where I will be an au pair for the month of August. They live in Villers sur mer, a little beach town right next to Deauville and Trouville, where apparently there's an American film festival coming up in September. I've been here less than 24 hours, but I can already tell that things are going to go well. They are relaxed and fun and the little boy, Matyas, is an adventurous handful! They live on a farm in the country, (the grandparents live right next door), and there are horses and chickens! The mom works for a sailing club, so it looks like I'm going to get to go sailing after all (being on Lake Geneva I was sooo tempted to look up sailing lessons; now I'm glad I didn't)! I'm excited to discover this region, which is already completely different from the south (the cute houses, the weather, the accent). France is incredibly diverse (there's more to it than Paris, you know), but there are some universal truths: wine, cheese, baguettes, dressing well and talking softly (I'm always getting shushed, but maybe that would happen no matter what country I'm in).

Everything happens for a reason. At first I was bummed when I was 'let go' from that first family I au pair-ed for, but now I'm so glad. I got to go to Geneva, where I found the grad school I'm going to go to! The Graduate Institute of International Studies...I just have to live some more fabulous life first! I got to re-connect with old friends (Whitney, Steve, Sarah, Xuan), and make new ones. Life is an adventure, I'm learning, and I'm working hard on going with whatever's thrown at me! I've been impressing myself lately: I am a competent traveler! Yesterday I had slightly less than an hour to get through the Paris metro system from the Gare de Lyon to the Gare St. Lazare and I did it, with time to spare to grab a sandwich. I can stay at a hostel by myself and make friends, or spend days alone in unfamiliar cities and have an amazing time! The second to last night I was in Geneva I found live music by the lake, where I drank some delicious caipirinhas, kept creepy guys at bay by approaching Model UN kids and asking them to pretend to be my friend (a Russian, a Lebanese, and an Uzbekistani!), rocked out to the DJ in the rain, and got home safe and sound. I'm amazing! Never cease to be amazed by the world and oneself.

Friday Night

I went to a retirement party for one of the teachers tonight. Nowhere else is it as clear that there are different stages of life. There were lots of young families (*sigh! the hott teacher I've been crushin' on all year showed up with a gorgeous, PREGNANT, Aladdin-pants-onesie-wearin' girlfriend/wife/I-don't-know-because-I-didn't-bother-to-ask), and the whole thing was hosted by a 50's-something-dish who wrote and sang a song for the occasion, AND is getting re-married this year (you go girl!). What thing wasn't like the others? Footloose and fancy free little ol' me, fiancee-less (as one woman keenly pointed out) and ready for adventures.

It was illuminating. I definitely want to rock out at parties for myself throughout my life, e.g. graduation from grad school; weddings 1, 2 and maybe 3; just-got-that-great-job-party; made-it-past-my-27th-year-so-I'm-not-as-cool-as-Janice-or-Jimmy-but-I'm-still-gonna-party-party; retirement; just-signed-that-book-deal-party; etc. BUT, I realized why I spend all my time hanging out with wandering/wondering 20-somethings: because we don't have fiancees, careers, or rugrats to awkwardly make small talk about. DUH!

I stuck around for some traditional French music played by the band. I left after their rendition of Hallelujah. 'The Holy Goat was moving too...' Just like French radio, you gotta love/cringe at the French accent when singing English songs.

So what am I doing now? Hanging out at my apartment with my new pet beetle (he's under a glass and I've been watching him twitch on his back in his death throes for almost 24 hours now...I would slide a paper under there and set him free, but then he might come back! Maybe I could give him to the cats to play with...), blogging away my life, cheap bottle of wine from the 'servo' (that's Aussie-speak for gas station) at hand. I am one classy bitch.